Chapter 3 – How the Human Mind Works

Here is some simple information about how the human mind works:

The human mind is very logical. However, problems arise when we allow our out-dated solutions to problems we solved in the past --- often when we were small children --- to control our present relationships. While those solutions were logical when we were small children, they may no longer be appropriate now that we are adults.

We choose what to think about. Our minds have the capability to voluntarily change our moods. When we want to change our mood, we can think about thoughts that will put us in the appropriate state of mind. For example, suppose I were on the way to an important date, but I was in a nervous, slightly unhappy mood. I might start thinking about some of the things I had reason to be happy about. "I'm going to see my girlfriend soon." “It’s been great to have the chance to spend time with her these past few weeks.” “It’s a beautiful day.” “This is a great song on the radio.” “The mountains look so pretty today.” In a few minutes, I could refocus on the good things, not on the unhappy things or my fears. This is not always easy to do, but it gets easier with practice. It works because your conscious mind can override your unconscious fears and programs. You must take control of your mind back from any subconscious programs that are hurting you. Those subconscious programs are not as logical or as mature as your conscious mind. Your subconscious may be subject to childhood fears and behavior patterns. Your mature, conscious mind always makes better decisions than your (fear-driven) subconscious.

Our subconscious minds have the job of keeping us alive. They see many choices as survival issues --- life or death. They fear death, insanity, or losing control. These fears keep us trapped in our inappropriate patterns. When you recognize any inappropriate fears, be aware that you are close to pushing across some boundary imposed by your subconscious. The disaster your subconscious is afraid of is usually blown way out of proportion, and usually is only a problem for you if you dwell on the feared result.

Strictly speaking, everything we do is for our own self-interest. No matter what we choose, we’re picking the thing we think will make us the happiest. For Mother Teresa, this may be comforting dying people. For Mahatma Ghandi, it may be starving himself to help achieve peace. For a thief, it may be stealing a car. Each is doing what he/she thinks will make them happiest. An observer would judge these acts differently, because some are more altruistic than others. However, all actions are based on the perceived self-interest of the doers.

For example, at one point in time, I realized that my marriage could never be a happy marriage unless I was happy. That’s so obvious, yet I had been willing to sacrifice my happiness for the good of the “union”, until I realized I was ruining the union by not being happy. So the first thing I had to do was figure out what I needed in order to be happy, and then selfishly insist that that thing or things become part of our relationship. It’s the only way to possibly have a happy marriage.

WARNING: Striving for happiness is no excuse for hurting or manipulating others. That doesn’t mean, however, that it’s your fault when someone chooses to hurt themselves as a way of manipulating you.

People sometimes get feelings in their stomach, kind of like a stomach ache, when in stressful situations or when feeling strong emotions. I believe these stomach aches are the result of the subconscious fighting against the emotions. If that ever happens to you, relax your stomach; don’t fight the pain or the feelings.

I think the “emotional roller-coaster” that we may feel when we’re falling in love is similar. I believe we are stretching our emotions, in much the same way as we stretch our muscles to get into shape. Each “workout” causes pain as our muscles feel overworked. With emotions, I think the pain is caused by subconscious fears that we are putting our lives at risk.

If you study meditation, your teachers may warn you about having a “rough day” after you have a great meditation or go to a wonderful weekend retreat. It’s the same thing. As you clear the tensions and fears out of your system, you’ll feel better, and you’ll have progressed along the road to enjoying life more.

Advice:

1. Never try to change the past. It’s impossible. Learn what you can from it, then only allow yourself to dwell on the good parts of it. Don’t ever allow yourself to think “If only …” “I shouldn’t have …” and such.

2. Never feel guilt. Learn your lessons and then forgive yourself. Be done with it. Feeling guilt may be the only thing in this world that has nothing good about it. Choose to do or not do things based on what is right and good, not based on your fears.

3. Fear is of virtually no value. It doesn’t help you fend off the feared event; it may actually increase the chances of the feared event’s happening, because it distracts your thinking. An animal or a person is more likely to attack you if he/she senses fear than if you are relaxed. Fear decreases your ability to think clearly. If you study martial arts or deal with life & death situations, you learn that your mind and body work better and faster when you are relaxed. Fear decreases your chances of accomplishing your task safely --- and it’s not fun, either. So refuse to fear. It’s a choice you can make consciously.

4. Worry is about the same as fear. Don’t do it. Rather, decide what actions you can take to improve the situation and do them calmly, knowing that not all things are under your control.

5. Never try to force yourself to feel the way you think you “should” feel. When in doubt about what to feel or when feeling guilty about what you feel, pause for 3-5 seconds and note how you truly feel. Then let yourself feel that. It’s OK to feel anything, no matter what it is.

WARNING: “Feeling” is not the same as taking action. Some actions are wrong and must not be taken, no matter how you feel.

6. YEARNING can be a real pain inducer. When used here, yearning means desire accompanied by unhappiness because you don’t have the object of your desire. When you yearn for something, you feel bad. When you desire something, you feel good. If you feel sad or depressed, it may be caused by yearning for something. Yearning and desire are voluntary --- you don’t have to want anyone or anything. So if it hurts because you want something, recognize that you’re making the choice to feel that way, and stop yearning. Appreciate what you have, instead.

You can turn off or tone down your yearning for unimportant things like pistachio ice cream, and with very important “things”, like a loved one. This is not the same as turning off friendship or love. You can be a friend without desiring someone, and you can love someone without desiring anything from them. Desire is a conscious decision, which we have control over. It can be fun and exciting, but if it turns to yearning, you can decrease it or turn it off. It’s all a conscious decision. When you turn yearning off, you will probably need to stop thinking about the object of your yearning almost totally. But never block emotions.

Friendship, and even love, are your own emotions, running through your own body. You can feel friendship or love no matter what your friend or lover does. So you can be someone’s friend or lover no matter what they do. What often happens is we desire and demand things from our friends and lovers. If we don’t get what we want, one choice we have and often select, is to be upset. It’s like a little kid crying because s/he wants ice cream. It’s not the ice cream that causes him/her the pain, it’s the yearning. That little kid could choose to be satisfied without having ice cream, perhaps by focusing on the other great stuff s/he has to eat. So can we.

7. Your emotions won’t kill you. You can stand anything you feel. Bad feelings pass, if you allow yourself to feel them. And afterwards you’ll feel much better. Watch out for trying to feel the way you think you “should feel”. That always hurts you, because you end up blocking and diverting your natural feelings.

8. Feeling sad once in a while is OK. You’re allowed. Just keep it balanced. You can focus on the good things any time you desire and thereby pull yourself out of a bad or sad mood. You’re in charge of your mind.